The rains came. We all know that Mother California needed her rain and now it's raining. I'm happy for her. I'm happy that soon flowers will bloom. Trees will bloom. And hopefully, I will bloom. Some would say "It's about time!" I worship the quicksand they walk on. Bastards.
How was I to know, smiling at the falling rain on the dumpster, that soon I would be in pain from all things, a holiday Wedgie. It all started with a twisting and turning dream on Christmas Eve.
It was more of a nightmare than a dream. Maybe it was that chocolate cake I ate while I streamed "A Christmas Carol" that awesome flick that never grows old. Maybe it was the Heineken cold one that I washed the cake down with while watching the movie. As the story reached the final "Ghost of Christmas Past" I nodded off. And then, that nightmare.
I was in Starbucks. Everyone was glued to their laptops. Behind the counter was a fuzzy-thinking clerk that looked like President Biden. Another clerk arrived. He looked like Santa Claus. I think he was homeless.
There was no place to sit. What else is new? They kept raising the coffee prices. Biden and Santa Claus kept taunting each other with insults that bordered on the obscene. I think Santa had been drinking. He smelled of weed. Then Santa Claus clawed his way over the counter and in front of God and Country, gave me a Wedgie. I'm no stranger to Wedgies. I've had a few. A few too many.
That first Wedgie in grade school. Some PE Instructors have a funny way of teaching. That first Wedgie in high school. Some Guidance Counselors have a funny way of guiding. High School. Best eight years of my life. That Wedgie in college. Some Coeds need to get a life. That Wedgie in the military. I learned Drafted; meant Shafted. That Wedgie at my wedding. A funny way for a Bride to say 'I love you.'
As Starbucks posted yet another price bump on their Keopectate Latte I slowly awoke from that chocolate-induced coma masquerading as a nightmare, masquerading as a dream. It was over. Like Scrooge in Charles Dickens' story, I vowed to live a more optimistic life. To face 2022 with a positive attitude.
I vowed to lose those Co-Vid pounds I had gained. I vowed to become a more awesome dance lead in my Argentine Tango class. I vowed to be all I could be. But, enough about me. Happy New Year...
